Conspiracy Theory #1: Starbucks Brewed Coffee
It's terrible. Let's just start there. I'm convinced that Starbucks underprices it's brewed coffee because (a) it's awful (b) the minute you drink it you'll wish you spent the $4 on the latte (c) because it only cost you less than $2 you immediately throw it out and go order that $4 latte, hence Starbucks just made $6 off of you instead of the $4 they would've gotten if you hadn't been so cheap in the first place.
For those of you who are thinking about ordering a cup just to experience it yourself, let me save you the $2. First, it's always too hot. Coffee shouldn't be boiling, it should be just under boiling so that you can drink it without scorching your mouth and still be able to taste things for the rest of the day. Second, it's always too strong. The pure strength of the coffee cannot be diluted no matter how much half and half or sugar you put in it. That is a sign they've simply brewed it too strong or left it in the pot too long. Which could possibly be the origin of the too hot problem. This also makes it very acidic, so the minute you get your first non-boiling mouthful you gag and your stomach recoils, yet you swallow anyways because it contains that sweet, sweet, and much needed caffeine. By this point your taste buds have just given up and decided to take a 2 week vacation to recuperate, so you can drink at least half the cup without realizing that you're really just ingesting moist coffee beans. At this point, your stomach starts to protest the fact that you're pouring pure acid into it and you realize that you should stop drinking, but you don't. Caffeine is a strong addiction. Depending on what size you ordered, this could potentially lead to large health problems, as finishing that venti brewed coffee may just induce a stroke or a nervous tic you just can't get rid of.
It's not that hard to brew a strong, but pleasantly balanced cup of coffee with Starbucks beans or any other whole bean. It takes some experimentation with ground size and amount of water, but it can be acheived. You would think that with the years of experience Starbucks has in the industry they could get the formula just right. Or, maybe they purposely get it wrong every time so that you'll spend the $4 instead of $2. The markup on espresso drinks is much more inflated than brewed coffee. I have to say that the person who came up with the plan to always have bad brewed coffee is a genius and probably a very valued employee.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get a skim, no foam, double latte to make it through the rest of the day.
For those of you who are thinking about ordering a cup just to experience it yourself, let me save you the $2. First, it's always too hot. Coffee shouldn't be boiling, it should be just under boiling so that you can drink it without scorching your mouth and still be able to taste things for the rest of the day. Second, it's always too strong. The pure strength of the coffee cannot be diluted no matter how much half and half or sugar you put in it. That is a sign they've simply brewed it too strong or left it in the pot too long. Which could possibly be the origin of the too hot problem. This also makes it very acidic, so the minute you get your first non-boiling mouthful you gag and your stomach recoils, yet you swallow anyways because it contains that sweet, sweet, and much needed caffeine. By this point your taste buds have just given up and decided to take a 2 week vacation to recuperate, so you can drink at least half the cup without realizing that you're really just ingesting moist coffee beans. At this point, your stomach starts to protest the fact that you're pouring pure acid into it and you realize that you should stop drinking, but you don't. Caffeine is a strong addiction. Depending on what size you ordered, this could potentially lead to large health problems, as finishing that venti brewed coffee may just induce a stroke or a nervous tic you just can't get rid of.
It's not that hard to brew a strong, but pleasantly balanced cup of coffee with Starbucks beans or any other whole bean. It takes some experimentation with ground size and amount of water, but it can be acheived. You would think that with the years of experience Starbucks has in the industry they could get the formula just right. Or, maybe they purposely get it wrong every time so that you'll spend the $4 instead of $2. The markup on espresso drinks is much more inflated than brewed coffee. I have to say that the person who came up with the plan to always have bad brewed coffee is a genius and probably a very valued employee.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get a skim, no foam, double latte to make it through the rest of the day.
posted by Daughter of Shylock at 11:30 AM
1 Comments:
Are you sure you didn't down a few cups prior to writing three eccentric posts within the span of an hour? ;)
PS- Starbucks is the eventual downfall of the common man.
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