Conspiracy Theory #1: Starbucks Brewed Coffee

It's terrible. Let's just start there. I'm convinced that Starbucks underprices it's brewed coffee because (a) it's awful (b) the minute you drink it you'll wish you spent the $4 on the latte (c) because it only cost you less than $2 you immediately throw it out and go order that $4 latte, hence Starbucks just made $6 off of you instead of the $4 they would've gotten if you hadn't been so cheap in the first place.

For those of you who are thinking about ordering a cup just to experience it yourself, let me save you the $2. First, it's always too hot. Coffee shouldn't be boiling, it should be just under boiling so that you can drink it without scorching your mouth and still be able to taste things for the rest of the day. Second, it's always too strong. The pure strength of the coffee cannot be diluted no matter how much half and half or sugar you put in it. That is a sign they've simply brewed it too strong or left it in the pot too long. Which could possibly be the origin of the too hot problem. This also makes it very acidic, so the minute you get your first non-boiling mouthful you gag and your stomach recoils, yet you swallow anyways because it contains that sweet, sweet, and much needed caffeine. By this point your taste buds have just given up and decided to take a 2 week vacation to recuperate, so you can drink at least half the cup without realizing that you're really just ingesting moist coffee beans. At this point, your stomach starts to protest the fact that you're pouring pure acid into it and you realize that you should stop drinking, but you don't. Caffeine is a strong addiction. Depending on what size you ordered, this could potentially lead to large health problems, as finishing that venti brewed coffee may just induce a stroke or a nervous tic you just can't get rid of.

It's not that hard to brew a strong, but pleasantly balanced cup of coffee with Starbucks beans or any other whole bean. It takes some experimentation with ground size and amount of water, but it can be acheived. You would think that with the years of experience Starbucks has in the industry they could get the formula just right. Or, maybe they purposely get it wrong every time so that you'll spend the $4 instead of $2. The markup on espresso drinks is much more inflated than brewed coffee. I have to say that the person who came up with the plan to always have bad brewed coffee is a genius and probably a very valued employee.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get a skim, no foam, double latte to make it through the rest of the day.

Spring has Sprung

At least according to the girls wearing Ugs with a mini skirt, tank top, and bubble jacket. Nothing says spring is here like wearing half summer clothing and half winter clothing. Props to them just for wearing a mini skirt without tights and then deciding to throw on the Ugs. Nothing says you're on top of fashion trends like putting on a pair of expensive and ugly boots with the shortest skirt you own, so that the bottom half of your legs are warm and the top part is getting frost bitten. I'm waiting to see the corresponding fashion statement from the guys on campus, the polo shirt with the sleeves ripped off, popped collar, and sideways visor combined with your choice of baggy jeans, cargo shorts or warm up pants/shorts and always, always, worn with flip flops. When I see that Spring is officially here, no matter what PunxsutawneyPhil had to say.

Inflammatory?!? Who's inflammatory?

NEWS FLASH!! Previously unreleased "inflammatory" pictures of more prisoner torture at Abu Ghraib prison surfaced today in an Australian newspaper. Hmm. If they were inflammatory a couple months ago, why aren't they inflammatory now? I mean, it's not like we don't have enough riots or deaths or protests right now.

I'm all over freedom of the press and for the role of the press as the Fourth Estate. I guess my ire lies with the overuse of "inflammatory." Really, let's focus on what's important here and not blow stupid things out of proportion. For instance, Dick Cheney's little shooting accident. Now, we all know that I am the last person in the world who would defend anyone in the Bush administration. With that said, the White House Press Corps has just turned rabid. Now they're so bored they're willing to take anything and make a big issue out of it. Nothing prevented any of them from following Cheney on his vacation and getting the scoop. They're just mad it got reported by some podunk local reporter first. It was disclosed, in an appropriate amount of time, get over it. I mean it's not like he killed anyone (yet).

Canadiens are so disappointing

Hockey, with no winter jacket involved. In my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine such a thing existing. From pre-season to the playoffs in Buffalo you try to squeeze a jacket over your jersey when heading to a game. If you're hard core and you attend bar league hockey games, you tried to squeeze a jacket over the five layers of clothing you were wearing, because you know the overhead heaters in the spectator area were broken. Plus when the game lets out at 2 am it's about 10 below outside. Even if you were attending a little league or school hockey game, you still had on at least 3 layers of clothing and were searching for the hockey booster who brought the beer. This is not how hockey is done in the nation's capital.

Thanks to a brush with global warming, it's been practically spring like here for the past week or so. So when we headed out to the Capitals - Maple Leafs game on Friday there was no need to wear a jacket. Being from an old-skool hockey town, I was still wearing two shirts and a sweater under my jersey [yes, I wore a Buffalo jersey, only to get attention from potentially cute hockey lovin' guys, I mean really, I was wearing a jersey for a team that wasn't even playing. Of course, so were 4 out of 5 of our group, we even got noticed by the Capitals mascot for being slightly out of touch]. This of course was a poor choice considering the fact that it was still near 60 when I started walking to the Metro. 20 minutes and one rush hour trip on the Metro later I was regretting adding that extra layer. It is a very odd experience to sit and watch hockey without having to reach for your jacket or gloves halfway through the first period.

This said, Buffalonians are practically Maple Leafs fans, i.e. we'll cheer for them unless they're playing Buffalo, so I was practically foaming at the mouth waiting for the game to start so that people in DC could see how hockey should be played. Yeah, was I disappointed. Not only did the Maple Leafs not score during any power play, they had one goal the entire night. Pathetic, it was like they were already on the Olympic break. The shitty, lazy, sloppy, my 12 year old cousin can play better than that, Capitals actually won the game. WTF. Of course, the Capitals fans not knowing how to handle the situation could only muster up half hearted heckling of Eddie Belfour. Nothing compared to the decibels of heckling you'd hear at home. At home, where real hockey is played, you can't hear the announcment of who scored the goal because we're heckling Belfour so much. Plus it's practically mandatory that someone in every section has an air horn or one of those trumpet things.

I miss hockey, more precisely, I miss hockey in Buffalo. I miss the screen that goes all the way around the HSBC Arena, with the cool effects, I miss Sabretooth, the goofy mascot, I miss the steam coming out of the Buffalo's snout when we score a goal, I miss the people shooting the t-shirts off the zambonis in between periods, I miss Rick Jeanneret announcing the game. The only spark of light in all of this was the Sabres winning tonight, in a shoot out, Vanek beat Hasek. That's right, the traitor, Dominic Hasek. [That's a whole different post on goalies and American Express commercials.] I miss vodka tonics and beef on weck for less than $10. [Can you believe I paid $7 a beer for Yuenling? Me neither, what's even worse, is I spilled about $3 of it on my poor friend sitting next to me.] In Buffalo you can get good food at a decent price at the arena and the nice bar isn't limited to the people sitting in the club levels.

So now that you all know why hockey in Buffalo is the best anybody want to go to the Capitals Maple Leafs game in March? I know you can't wait to hear me expound the qualities of Buffalo again!