Seafood, the CFR & Abortion Protesters
...all walk into a bar.
Ok, not really. But they could have, right? Wouldn't that be fun?
You know your "Great Idea" for a birthday gift has tanked when the response is "I got your seafood. Thanks. I could tell what it was from the box." Correct me if I'm wrong, but A. gift wrapping fresh crab cakes seems to defeat the purpose of the the freshness and B. crab cakes are pretty cool gift right?!? I mean, I live kinda near Maryland, where they have good crab and my mother does not. Hence sending her some was very thoughtful and unique right? I don't know about you , but I would love it if people sent me food, especially gourmet food. That said, I can't wait to hear what she thinks about the flowers I sent her. "I got your flowers" (once again, not mine really, I just ordered them) "I could tell it was flowers since the florist delivered them, thanks." Yup, I can see another akward phone call where as yet another gift goes unappreciated. This is where I start to remember that my mother always said give a gift because it's thoughtful, not because you want to be thanked. I think she's extended this lesson about 20 years past its usefulness.
The CFR is my new best friend and the reason I will be blind by the end of the semester. Leave it to the government to print rules they want the public to abide by in 8 point font in a book that's about 6" x 4".
Nothing makes your Monday as exciting as riding the Metro with a bunch of abortion protesters. Even better when they're from out of town and have no idea how the Metro system works so that when they ask you for directions you have to avoid staring at the picture of the half aborted fetus on their lapel pin. What's even more amusing is the nun who got stuck in the door of the metro, swears loudly (it hurts to get slammed by those doors) and then immediately bursts out into prayer to make up for it.
I can't wait to see what the evening news has to say about the protests today. Yesterday they managed to find some girl who's profound thought on the issue was "I just can't imagine if my mom did that to me, so I'm striving to live my life and acheive all the things they weren't able to." Really? Who is this "they?" What if they were mass murderers or serial rapists? What if they were the next Pope? That girl is going to have a lot of majors in college and she's going to have personality issues later in life.
Happy Anniversary Roe v. Wade! You've made my commute this week that much more interesting.
What's it Like to be a Government Employee? Part Deux
Just in case you weren't paying attention the first time the federal government hired me, here's what happened the second time. I'm looking at it as proof that the government is slowly spiraling into the depths of hell the longer W is in office. 12:30: arrive at new federal “employer” sign in, get attractive red visitor badge, get scrutinized by security guard while going through the metal detector, wait for someone to escort me to where I need to be.
12:40: still waiting for someone to escort me.
12:45: someone shows up, immediately tells me I can’t get an ID badge or any passwords yet because it’s the lunch hour and the intern coordinator is out. Interestingly, my start date and time been set for over a month. Glad someone was paying attention.
12:50: get dumped off in the boss’ office, who thought I was starting yesterday, on a federal holiday, when he wasn’t even at work.
12:51: uncomfortable small talk ensues, it’s plain that despite the fact he thought I was starting yesterday they haven’t thought of anything for me to do yet. While he begins to print random manuals entitled "What Ever Attorney Should Know" I stealthily read a memo on his desk about how he needs more staff because they’re overloaded with work. Really? They couldn’t think of anything to give me?
1:00: I’m carrying my coat, bag, the aforementioned 106 page manual, 2 books of the CFR and a FCC rule book wandering my way to my luxury “office”, in the corner of the hallway. No cubicle for interns, they can't be trusted. Let's put them out in the hallway so we can make sure they're really working and not stealing anything.
1:05-1:15: watch as boss can’t figure out why I don’t have a working computer, phone or a chair. 1:20: a chair appears, phone & computer are still useless
1:21: boss gives up, tells me to start reading the manual and he’ll get someone to come by and fix everything else
1:22-2:15: read silently by myself, in the corner of the hallway periodically interrupted by people introducing themselves to me and fielding questions about why I’m sitting in the hall.
2:15: person in the cubicle closest to me comes back from lunch, takes me on a tour of the cafeteria.
2:30: back at my desk, telephone works now, I set up my voicemail
2:40: Attorney #1 stops by, tells me how to get to his office, tells me to stop by at my convenience to get some work to do.
2:42: I can finally go get my ID badge, take a terrible picture for said badge, person printing my badge has botched it, the ink hadn't dried yet, so I now have a large purple splotch over my face, but they're not going to redo it since I'm a temporary intern. Get a dorky lanyard complete with retractable key chain so I can look like an official employee. I'm informed that since they aren’t running a background check on me I can't be trusted, so I can't bring my laptop with me and I have to walk through the metal detectors every day.
3:00: back to my “desk” still no computer password. Wander off to Attorney #1's office, get assignments. Was offered a tangerine and when I declined he responded “I’m not going to offer you a treat every day, it’s not going to be like hey little girl do you want some fruit?” at which point I was very confused and tried to wrap up the conversation as quickly as possible.
3:20: back to my “desk” computer person has shown up, managed to spell my name wrong on everything, the network, email, pretty much anywhere your name appears on a computer.
3:30: on the phone with the “help desk” they’ll get back to me.
3:45-5:00: 6 phone calls and 10 emails later, name spelled right on the network, still wrong on email. Good thing no one has any work for me to do since I would never get an email about it. Guess I should be happy they got it right on my ID badge.
5:00: give up and head back to school hoping the Metro isn't too packed
5:20: pick up desperately needed Starbucks, only the people at Starbucks are idiots and it takes 10 minutes to get a latte and I have to tell the cashier how much change he owes me because he couldn't understand what the register was telling him.
5:30: walk to school, waste time wandering around, calling people and complaining about the government.
5:45: get to class, it doesn’t start for 15 minutes and some bitch is in my seat. So I sit next to her and proceed to have a conversation across her with my friend, who is now 2 seats away. Said bitch proceeds to ask me to throw out my snack because it has a strong smell. Because I pretty much ate an apple and a granola bar all day I rolled my eyes at her and told her I would dispose of it during the break. That should teach her to not sit in my seat next week.
6:00 – 8:00: sit bored in class and write this blog entry.
New Year's Revelations...
That’s right, no resolutions here, only me sharing things I’ve learned with you so you don’t make the same mistakes!
1. Never believe that air travel will be cheap, convenient and stay that way. I mourn the “death” of Independence Air.
2. No matter what they say, your parents want you to get married. Now.
3. Sometimes 3 bottles of wine at dinner are good for you. It’s a very educational experience. You learn a lot about the people you’re having dinner with.
4. Being poor sucks. Make sure you steal enough in the future to always keep your bank account in the black.
5. I don’t read enough for fun, so that when I go on a reading binge you get tired of it very quickly because you just read 6 books in 4 days.
6. Sometimes, it’s OK to be selfish in the Secret Santa game.
7. Champagne and tequila do not mix well together when consumed within 4 hours of each other.
8. I have a very serious caffeine addiction, and I pretty much keep the local Starbucks in business.
9. Buying yourself one fun toy is necessary every year at Xmas. Go ahead splurge (but see #4, splurge responsibly)
10. There is no limit on the number of times I can watch a Star Wars movie. None.
11. The book is always better than the movie.
12. Play more video games, you’ll be better at text messaging. It’s all about thumb dexterity. My new theory is that it will prevent early onset Alzheimer’s too.
13. Dogs are really a person’s best friend.
14. Sleeping for 14 hours a day is fun, but not really productive when you do it 10 days in a row.
15. I should blog more and so should you. I promise I will have at least one totally boring class this semester during which I can expel my angst and ennui into cyberspace.
16. Sudoku is the way to go.
17. Target really is the best store in the world, besides Wegman’s.
18. Your grocery store says a lot about your quality of life.
19. Sex is a necessity. Humans shouldn’t be deprived of it for long periods.
20. Ex-boyfriends never go away. No matter how much of a bitch you are to them. They never get the point. It must be genetic.
21. Law school is really just a form of torture you pay for, but it’s not fun, like hiring a dominatrix. At least you both get a kick out of that.
22. Buffalo will slowly sap any modicum of motivation out of you if you stay there too long. It’s a proven fact.
23. D.C. will slowly sap every last cent out of you the entire time you’re there. Also a proven fact.
24. I don’t believe in statistics, or proven facts.
25. You should always have more than a Frappuccino for lunch.
26. Taking down the Xmas tree is never as fun as putting it up.
27. If your friend emails you at least twice a week, you know you can count on them. Quantity of email is definitely a measurement of friendship.
28. You should always clean out your refrigerator & cupboard before going on vacation.
29. Smile when you don’t feel like. Sometimes it sticks.
30. No matter how tired you are don’t blow off breakfast with friends. It’s the most important meal of the day. 31. Take a lot of pictures whereever you go, it makes remembering things so much easier.
